Happy new year everyone. Hope that everybody had a blast on Christmas eve and new years eve.
OK, before I start, I will like to apologize to everyone regarding my absence. For the past 2 weeks, my life was like a roller coaster and not in a very good way.
We Chinese say that if a man is in trouble, there are only 2 reasons: it either concerns money issues or it is about women. In my case, it was one woman. If there is one thing I'm good at, that will be screwing up relationships, or rather, opportunities of having a relationship.
And I am trippin' right now but why? I mean, life goes on right?
Alright, enough of this bullshit, let's get on to the actual topic I wanna get into, confessions of my crimes.
First: guilty pleasure. We who pursue the art of bodybuilding know that there are bound to be guilty pleasures and usually,they are cheat meals. Well, in my case, it is something much worse: alcohol and cigarettes. I know right? This is freaking unbelievable. See, I have never been much of a smoker but I like to burn a stick every now and then, especially while I'm drinking. I used to tell myself that I only smoke when I drink but seriously, everyone knows that that's not the case.
Whenever somebody hands me one, I take it and even without any hesitations. That is just wrong. Just because I told myself that it is just one stick, it's OK but as a matter of fact, it is not. Even if I'm drinking, it still isn't. Those who smokes know that cigarettes and booze go extremely well. But this is not an excuse for my actions.
Then comes the booze. I love to drink. Beer, single malt scotch, cognac, vodka, tequila, almost everything that's good. I do not see much of a problem if you take a sip every now and then but there is something very wrong with my approach: I make it a habit and almost every fortnight, I get trashed. I am a very emotional guy and I am not afraid to admit that. We all know alcohol amplifies emotions at that moment we drink and sometimes when we get agitated or encouraged by the situation, dumb things happen and that was exactly how I got into trouble. It is very clear that I am leading a life that is against the one certain thing I believe in: a healthy lifestyle. No matter the situation, these actions are just not acceptable.
People make new year resolutions and so I tagged along this time but rather than making new year resolutions, I'm making "new life" resolutions:
1. There will be no carbon monoxide getting into my system ever again, whether it is from cigarettes, cigar, shisha or whatever shit they are, they ain't getting anywhere near my system.
2. Never have more than 1 drink within an hour and never have more than 5 drinks in a session. And within 2 weeks, there can never be more than 5 drinking sessions. And this is a promise that in future,there will only be signs of reduction.
These are promises that I am making to myself, not to anyone in particular but to myself. If I can't even hold true to the promises I make to myself, then I don't see any reason why anybody will ever put their faith in me.
Second: drugs. Oh yes, you read that right, it is drugs but I'm not talking about cocaine or whatever that you might be thinking. I'm talking about prescribed drugs, the kind that psychiatrists give you when you're in deep mental bullshit. It was about 2 years ago when I was going through a really hard time in Scotland whilst in university. I got depressed and I found a way to get my hands onto some midazolam. Calling out to Prison Break fans, yeah, it is that same midazolam Mahone was taking. Everyday, I drowned myself into the feeling of sinking into the bottom of a pool while my mind goes blank. Then sometimes when I run outta midazolam, I'll get diazepam which its effect is at the other side of the spectrum. I get angry, insomnia and all that. Kinda like the roid rage we all talk about. And guess what, until a couple of days ago, I thought of getting my hands dirty with some midazolam. Man, WHAT THE FUCK was I thinking!?!?
Third: Lost motivation. I have not been going to the gym, in fact, while in the gym today, if it wasn't for my partner, I wouldn't have worked on my biceps. I'm writing this down but somewhere in me, I still do not have the power to muster enough motivation in me to do anything other then whine about it here. Something is very very wrong with me. I don't get jacked up as I used to, I skip meals to the state that I get severe gastric pains, I drowned myself in my work that I lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing, etc. My mind is just floating around and that's crazy. Every morning when I wake up, rather than the usual blank mind, this same face just pop right into my mind. I know, here comes the bitchin' but what else can I do? I ain't no believer of God, I don't go to church. There isn't any priest for me to confess to, so you guys have gotta be my ears. You're the best I got right now.
Last but not least, to the one person that erm, I mean you know who you are. Whatever I told you that evening, I meant them. I'm a nice guy and you know that. I mean, come on, look at me, I'm a nice. Anyway, yeah, you said apology accepted but I am not at all convinced. If you see this, I think we need to talk, in a cafeteria, drinking coffee or tea. If there is one thing I have learnt from all the mistakes I have made, it is that problems have to confronted and solved, not hang up the phone and run away from it. By no means that I am blaming you, it's just my view how we should've solved it because waiting for your call is seriously driving me mad.
Well, there you have it, all the crimes that I have done. Upon reading this, if you have doubts in even reading what I have or know about bodybuilding or fitness, please, reserve that benefit of doubt. I need it because I'm not perfect and there are so much more I have to learn and not just in the art of bodybuilding but also life. I am only 23 right now so what do I know about life? To be honest, nothing. My pain is probably like a mosquito sting to an 8 year African kid going through a war right now. Yeah, that sentence I just wrote there just made me feel like a pile of shit. How the hell do I even compare myself to people who are actually going through misery and pain. I talk about sacrifice and hard work whenever I go to the gym but apparently, I don't know what the hell I was talking about. I pride myself as being an honest man and people can always tell the difference when I lie. But there is someone I have been lying to this whole time and being very good at that: myself. There is no greater deception than that. If I see any changes in me in the future, I must start by being honest to myself and learn how to appreciate who I am. I hope this inspire you in some way and if there is anything anybody wanna say about the shit that I have done, please, shoot me down. I need to learn.
Thanks.
OK, before I start, I will like to apologize to everyone regarding my absence. For the past 2 weeks, my life was like a roller coaster and not in a very good way.
We Chinese say that if a man is in trouble, there are only 2 reasons: it either concerns money issues or it is about women. In my case, it was one woman. If there is one thing I'm good at, that will be screwing up relationships, or rather, opportunities of having a relationship.
And I am trippin' right now but why? I mean, life goes on right?
Alright, enough of this bullshit, let's get on to the actual topic I wanna get into, confessions of my crimes.
First: guilty pleasure. We who pursue the art of bodybuilding know that there are bound to be guilty pleasures and usually,they are cheat meals. Well, in my case, it is something much worse: alcohol and cigarettes. I know right? This is freaking unbelievable. See, I have never been much of a smoker but I like to burn a stick every now and then, especially while I'm drinking. I used to tell myself that I only smoke when I drink but seriously, everyone knows that that's not the case.
Whenever somebody hands me one, I take it and even without any hesitations. That is just wrong. Just because I told myself that it is just one stick, it's OK but as a matter of fact, it is not. Even if I'm drinking, it still isn't. Those who smokes know that cigarettes and booze go extremely well. But this is not an excuse for my actions.
Then comes the booze. I love to drink. Beer, single malt scotch, cognac, vodka, tequila, almost everything that's good. I do not see much of a problem if you take a sip every now and then but there is something very wrong with my approach: I make it a habit and almost every fortnight, I get trashed. I am a very emotional guy and I am not afraid to admit that. We all know alcohol amplifies emotions at that moment we drink and sometimes when we get agitated or encouraged by the situation, dumb things happen and that was exactly how I got into trouble. It is very clear that I am leading a life that is against the one certain thing I believe in: a healthy lifestyle. No matter the situation, these actions are just not acceptable.
People make new year resolutions and so I tagged along this time but rather than making new year resolutions, I'm making "new life" resolutions:
1. There will be no carbon monoxide getting into my system ever again, whether it is from cigarettes, cigar, shisha or whatever shit they are, they ain't getting anywhere near my system.
2. Never have more than 1 drink within an hour and never have more than 5 drinks in a session. And within 2 weeks, there can never be more than 5 drinking sessions. And this is a promise that in future,there will only be signs of reduction.
These are promises that I am making to myself, not to anyone in particular but to myself. If I can't even hold true to the promises I make to myself, then I don't see any reason why anybody will ever put their faith in me.
Second: drugs. Oh yes, you read that right, it is drugs but I'm not talking about cocaine or whatever that you might be thinking. I'm talking about prescribed drugs, the kind that psychiatrists give you when you're in deep mental bullshit. It was about 2 years ago when I was going through a really hard time in Scotland whilst in university. I got depressed and I found a way to get my hands onto some midazolam. Calling out to Prison Break fans, yeah, it is that same midazolam Mahone was taking. Everyday, I drowned myself into the feeling of sinking into the bottom of a pool while my mind goes blank. Then sometimes when I run outta midazolam, I'll get diazepam which its effect is at the other side of the spectrum. I get angry, insomnia and all that. Kinda like the roid rage we all talk about. And guess what, until a couple of days ago, I thought of getting my hands dirty with some midazolam. Man, WHAT THE FUCK was I thinking!?!?
Third: Lost motivation. I have not been going to the gym, in fact, while in the gym today, if it wasn't for my partner, I wouldn't have worked on my biceps. I'm writing this down but somewhere in me, I still do not have the power to muster enough motivation in me to do anything other then whine about it here. Something is very very wrong with me. I don't get jacked up as I used to, I skip meals to the state that I get severe gastric pains, I drowned myself in my work that I lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing, etc. My mind is just floating around and that's crazy. Every morning when I wake up, rather than the usual blank mind, this same face just pop right into my mind. I know, here comes the bitchin' but what else can I do? I ain't no believer of God, I don't go to church. There isn't any priest for me to confess to, so you guys have gotta be my ears. You're the best I got right now.
Last but not least, to the one person that erm, I mean you know who you are. Whatever I told you that evening, I meant them. I'm a nice guy and you know that. I mean, come on, look at me, I'm a nice. Anyway, yeah, you said apology accepted but I am not at all convinced. If you see this, I think we need to talk, in a cafeteria, drinking coffee or tea. If there is one thing I have learnt from all the mistakes I have made, it is that problems have to confronted and solved, not hang up the phone and run away from it. By no means that I am blaming you, it's just my view how we should've solved it because waiting for your call is seriously driving me mad.
Well, there you have it, all the crimes that I have done. Upon reading this, if you have doubts in even reading what I have or know about bodybuilding or fitness, please, reserve that benefit of doubt. I need it because I'm not perfect and there are so much more I have to learn and not just in the art of bodybuilding but also life. I am only 23 right now so what do I know about life? To be honest, nothing. My pain is probably like a mosquito sting to an 8 year African kid going through a war right now. Yeah, that sentence I just wrote there just made me feel like a pile of shit. How the hell do I even compare myself to people who are actually going through misery and pain. I talk about sacrifice and hard work whenever I go to the gym but apparently, I don't know what the hell I was talking about. I pride myself as being an honest man and people can always tell the difference when I lie. But there is someone I have been lying to this whole time and being very good at that: myself. There is no greater deception than that. If I see any changes in me in the future, I must start by being honest to myself and learn how to appreciate who I am. I hope this inspire you in some way and if there is anything anybody wanna say about the shit that I have done, please, shoot me down. I need to learn.
Thanks.
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